Blog Name

Friday, May 18, 2007 ()
YOUR NAME @ 10:03 PM / comment (0)

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

* Note, everything on this blog is all based on personal feelings and thoughts. I am just sharing it and if anyone feel or felt offended, I would like to say Sorry.

Dear Dairy,

Today is 18th May, not my birthday tho but it is somehow an eventful and a problematic day... Why eventful yet problematic. I did not have a nice night which means i did not slept well. I was stuck between wanting and unwilling. Very confuse right, how can someone be unwilling to do something yet wanting to do something? I was like telling myself should i go or not? On the other hand i was preparing for my presentation today. Going to school and stuff.

Firstly, let's talk about school (NYP) the lecture on biz finance was so dam it boring and the teacher was like rushing lor. Omg! I hate it when they rush through things lor and why can't the school give 2hrs lect instead of 1hr? I think it is killing the teacher and us lor... I rather sit in there and listen for 2 hrs getting a clearer picture instead of just sitting for 1hr and not getting anything... That lect was ok. Followed by the presentation, I was so excited! WOW! I kinda like presentation cos Stacie had taught me how to speak in a proper way and i am very grateful for what she had taught me. When i was presenting, in my mind, i picture myself speak with Stacie sitting at the back of the class looking at me, doing my best in what she had taught me. Although, i knew i spoke too fast and i held my cue cards to high but i can feel the satisfaction after everything ended. I could picture the Stacie smiling back at me, saying ' Believe that u can do it ' something like that. I will try my best! I want to be comfortable with public speaking. I BELIEVE I can if i want to change! I was so happy throughout the whole lunch break until the BORING lesson struck at 2:00 pm. It was EFMA! in another words, accounting.... the teacher is so blur and boring.... I wanted to sleep but i kept myself awake by drawing lolx! After all that, the problematic problem jolted into my mind.

You maybe wondering wat kind of problematic problems i have faced? The story started on Wednesday night, when i was using my pc, when someone PM me on MSN. I thought ' Maybe it was my NYP friends '. I clicked the 'popped' up sign and to my surprise it was Azimah / Ai hana. I was like 'huh, why did she PM me?' She asked me if i can help her on Friday. I was like har.....? She wanted me the help her to help our secondary form teacher Miss Lee. When? What time? How long? At Teck Whye Secondary, 8 am to 9 am! Teach wat? I was asked to help Azimah help Miss Lee to assist the students in learning how to 'show not tell' when writing compositions. Actually i was think i should go to save the friendship between azimah and me. Maybe it was heaven's way of saying 'ur friendship is fated and dun break it' A chance to recover this friendship. I was like i want to go but it is so early and so far. I live at sembawang leh. That was not an issue cos Miss lee was paying the taxi fee. However, i was shocked my the walking distance that i have to take from Teck Whye Sec to CCK MRT Station! It is not just far, it is way TOO far. Moreover i have lesson at 11 and i cannot miss it cos i dun understand that topic. T.T so sad lor....

On Wednesday, i was like maybe i can make it and Azimah told me that she is meeting Suh at coffee bean at around 4pm. She ask me wat time my lesson end? and hinted that i should go to coffee bean. So after lesson, i went to coffee bean and on my way there, i was daydreaming in the train... I felt uneasy, awkward and i could feel my heart hitting against my ribs. Why ? I dunno, maybe cos i fight with her over alot of stuff. At the moment of daydreaming, i did not felt like going to help her today... After alighting the train, i stroll towards coffee bean with every step i took, i could feel my heart pounding 10 times faster. Maybe i would die of heart attack before reaching coffee bean. However, i told myself, calm down and take in big breathe and face her. So i stepped into coffee bean, i looked around and found her siting by herself, I approach her 'cooly' i think.... for about 30 mins, azimah, suh and i were talking and talking, i could not make my eyes meet hers for more 10 seconds. I was just stare suh most of the time, I did not talk much and i think i barely looked at her for more then five times. Awkward? Guilty? Shy? I think it would be awkward. For all those words of anger we had exchanged for the pass few months, won't u feel awkward? I won't feel guilty cos the fight we had, we are both victims and i cannot believe she can be so happy and she was pratically smiling like nothing has happend. I had said the ' impressions will alway be there, no matter wat reason and actions given, can never cover that impression.' I believe wat said cos i feel it.

Through out the conversation, i was like 'ok, ok, anything'. Suddenly, at the corner of my eye, a picture drew my attention, a small sketch book was on top of it so i slowly reached out and lifted up the sketch book. It was a drawing drew by Azimah, it was so nice compared to mine, all i can do is shook my head. 'I thought i had improved but i did not, i tried my very best to improve and to draw better than her but i just can't, I JUST CAN'T!' I tried to comfort myself saying, 'She is in art school mah, it is normal for her to draw better than me, like duh!' Then, I took the wrong step and took out my Japanese notes for them to see, then when Azimah got hold of the notes she was like reading it like a pro lor. Then, she say 'I already know all this things'. At that time, i could feel the moment of silence and suddenly a dagger peirced through my heart!' I can never be better than her, i can NEVER be better than her. Maybe i should stop all this stuipd things. It is so childish lor. But the feeling of being unable to do something make me feel bad. And i know that guys know how i feel, especially middle- aged guys with lots of stress, and being unable to do something makes one feel so bad. I was so demoralized at the moment, i felt so tired. ' Maybe i should stop, stop drawing and learning japanese.

So in the end, I did not went to help her. The night before, i smsed azimah and hinted her. Moreover, i dun really like my secondary school form teacher Miss lee. Why? cos she only favour those student who did well in her subject. I was one of those who was bad in her subject. Moreover, she is so proud of herself. She once told my mother that if i dun improve or put up my socks, i will not make it through 'N' Levels. In the end i made it and i score well. For 'O' Levels, she was like giving tution lessons for those students who are bad in english, and i wasn't in her list even though my english was bad. Her reason, cos i had a tution teacher at home. I was like, ok fine. She loves to predict results, and i believed that she was so shocked when the 'O' level results were out. Her prediction was wrong for some parts. My humannities, was like A2 lor and compare to my class result and prelims, which is like just pass or fail. Maybe i was just lucky, but i felt happy for myself. Before the 'O' levels, I was rushing my D&T and i skipped her history make-up lesson. She was like scolding me lor, pointing her index finger right in my face and scolded me. When my 'O' levels result were out, I scored and i did not attend her history lessons, this shows wat? I am lucky? or something else? She is nice sometimes but i just dun really like her. My mother also dun like her. lolx. So in the end i decided not to go cos i dun want to see her and i felt awkward being with azimah.

I lazy to write on liao. * Note, everything on this blog is all based on personal feelings and thoughts. I am just sharing it and if anyone feel or felt offended, I would like to say Sorry.

PS! = I love my NYP friends especially Stacie cos she really helped me alot! =)

Labels:

Monday, May 14, 2007 ()
YOUR NAME @ 12:20 AM / comment (0)

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Dear dariy,

During this weekend, I am quite busy, yet memories of the past do pop up in my mind. Its like good memories, sometimes bad but it is only a fragement that seem to appear. I was eating dinner at Sakae Sushi just now and while queeuing up to wait for seats, my eyes were drawn by a particular seat. At that moment, my mind told me 'Hey that is the seat u have sat with her for lunch, and u have ate so many things compared to her.' The images of eating lunch at Sakae Sushi with her just played in my mind like short clip. I felt so happy and i could see a smile on my face. Thinking of the word ' Sakae Sushi' seems to trigger the thought of having lunch with her and my cousins. Mostly happy thoughts cos only thought of 'her' apppeared in my mind.

After lunch, we had Yami Yogurt, so delicious! When I scoped up a spoonful of yogurt, placed in my mouth, and tasted it. It instantly trigger off the thought of having the same kind of yogurt with 'her'. I still remember why we got to share the tub of yogurt, cos my aunty bought it for me. When sharing with 'her', i can still remember that sometimes, when she was eating, the phone rang and she would start talk on the phone with a client. While 'she' was talking on the phone, i stared at her spoon cos there was a lipstick mark on it. 'EEEEE' lolx. I feel so DAM happy when 'she' is talking to me, or even just beside me. I kinda miss 'her'. DO NOTE! I am not a lesbian. But i dun really like guys. lolx. Maybe i am a lesbain, but i cannot picture myself kiss or holding hands with another girl.

Maybe the kind of feeling i have, when 'she' is around me, seems to be missing from my mother. Maybe i need motherlyhood something like that. Or i just need someone who will love me, talk to me nicely and be nice to me. But dun trust guys, cos in life, man are like beast! I just dun trust man / guys / boys that much. Dunno why. Just got that feeling lor.

It is getting late, now is like 12:45 AM. Later got school lolx. Oyasumi Nasai.

P.S: I think no one is reading so lazy to write any PS... lolx

Labels:

Wednesday, May 09, 2007 ()
YOUR NAME @ 6:38 PM / comment (0)

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Dear Dairy,
School is tough, I am so sian, very day just wake up, go to school, eat, study, home, bath, eat, watch tv, do hw and use the laptop. So boring lor, I wish i can strike lottery to buy a Nintendo DS lite. I really need the money! MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! Arh i want money!!!!! Anyone can sponser me? I will pay back... I nead 350.... I need money T.T i want to buy Nintendo DS lite. The reason.... it is cos when i was 12, my uncle bought me a gameboy colour cos i manage to do well in my exams. I was so happy till that day, that day which everything happened! The day when my mother took the Gameboy colour over from me T.T From that day onwards, i did not have full excess to my beloved Gameboy colour. I mother played every night, she played supermario until she managed to complete the game! SO MANY TIMES! So happy for her but sad for me... I want to buy a Nintendo DS lite that is my dream!
Right now saving eat lesser... very difficult.. cannot eat when ever i like to...T.T I am hungry as i am typing this post... I want Nintendo DS lite!

P.S = Need money, Love my group of friends and School is tough. Save me!

Labels: ,

Wednesday, May 02, 2007 ()
YOUR NAME @ 11:29 PM / comment (0)

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


Dear dairy,
This past few days have been a rough journey for me but i think i am the only one suffering, I had been sending emails to my (ex-)best friend, the words and emo putted into those email could be seen clearly. Everything is so clear cut... I dunno wat to say. I am self pitying myself T.T... I am not committed in getting things done, I am just whining, complaining and stuff, put my msn nick as 'Visit My blog at www.atashiyume.blogspot.com *Updated on 24/4/07 -- take a look at my drawings!' <--- is there any essence of force? Do u feel that i am forcing to come to my blog?! I am pestering u? I am just putting it as my nick cos i believe no one would ever come to my blog at all. I am not popular, nor am i good around with friends. I am so self centered. Lolx I just want attention, someone whom would comment on my drawings and say ' WOW! So nice! ' I want attention not totally for myself, partly for my drawings. It is just that someone out there do not understand, she say i am forcing my NYP friends to love anime!? I feel that 'bam' knock in the face.

Force?! I was like did i force u to read my blog, i did not put a knife or dagger on ur throat and say ' TAG ON MY BLOG! FASTER! TAG NICE WORDS! ' <-- This would be force... ain't i right? Since when i force anyone in my class to love anime, i just draw in class sometimes i would like ' Nah! See my drawing! ' I did that to my close friend at NYP cos she is nice and understanding. My other classmate would say ' Can let me see?' I just pass it to them and let them see. I am so happy when ppl comment on my drawing. Something it is bad comment but i agree with them and joke with them saying ' dun comment la u also cannot draw as well as me ' We were like laughing. Note to the someone out there! I dun force ppl to love anime! And i dun believe that u can have a group of friend who have different interest! Try have friends who love to play Maple story! Trying having friends who love to watch the news! Trying having friends who dun like wat u like. I am telling u, u will slowly lose touch with them, cos it is very difficult to start a conversation when they are totally in a different topic with u.

Having friends who have the same interest as u, would be nicer, it would be like 'WOW! U watch this!' 'Me too!' 'HI 5' 'Do u know this character ...' Then there is chemistry, interact and laugh within the group of ppl. That is why poly life and like groups. We have same interest, we stay together. We love to talk be stick to together, and talk about general thing. We love makeup, we stick together, and be girly girls. We are boys and we stick together! I want friends that i can talk about anime, manga, games and stuff related. Currently, i am with a group of friends and we just talk about general stuff like boys and teacher....etc but we cannot zoom in and talk about personal interest, cos it maybe boring to the rest. So (_ _ _) <--- u know who u are, dun give me any of ur advise if u have not try it out yet, cos i did and i dun think u had...

P.S : Love my NYP friends not classmate or ex-classmates. The group that is with me right now. Love u guys. (I clearly means friendship love ^v^)

Labels:


About me
Name: Tania
Nick: Tatsumi
Age: 21
Zodiac: Leo
Fav Colors: Purple, Black, White
blah blah blah, talk about yourself =D

Links
wanna be a friend?
» link
» link
» link
» link
» link
» link

Archives
dead history
» February 2007
» March 2007
» April 2007
» May 2007
» June 2007
» July 2007
» August 2007
» September 2007
» October 2007
» November 2007
» December 2007
» January 2008
» February 2008
» April 2008
» May 2008
» June 2008
» July 2008
» March 2010

Credits
thank you
» taniacpl
» photobucket
» blogger
» Vasilisa
» Purple-licius