Dear Dairy,

I have decide to type something today. Tonight, after many times of thinking and analysing, I found out that i am still searching for a Friend who is trustworthy enough for me... I am still in search of this special someone... Still searching. I was told that friends are just partners, people whom i can talk to, people whom are just there for accompanying me. When i am in deep trouble, non these friends will help me, especial when comes to problems that require money. Sometimes when friends get into arguments, one will push all the blame to another. Sometimes even use their sisters, brothers and friends' names to make it look as tho they are standing on their side. As long as they think that there are SO many names in their 'supporting list', 'I win!' Sometimes, friends will push the blame to each other by making thing look ugly, sound disguising and make people say these words 'oh so sad...', ' oh u are bullied...' and 'OH! I WILL HELP U, TO KILL THAT BULLY' or something like that. With friends, all this commotions will start to erupt. But YOU may say that i am just one sided... SO WHAT! I am talking about my life... THIS IS MY BLOG, isn't it right dear dairy?

I had been told that secondary friends are the closest group of people i would have. I see my poly friends, they always say how good their secondary friends are and they are always going out for lunch, gathering, chalets, movies ... etc. To a certain extend, i agree to what i was being told and what i could see. However, i dun see this in my life. And now u would say ' Oh Man! u are pushing the blame to someone else! ' My answer is ' NO I AM NOT! ' I am just portraying my life in words, my thoughts in words and my experience in words. Sometimes, i think that having no friends is better than having friends. First of all, friends are difficult, to understand, to be with, to ask for a favour and to hold hand in hand regardless of where they are. I am tired of this life, having to do so many things just to get friends. I mean SO WHAT if i have friends?! They won't help me, won't teach me, just acting as if they do not know anything but in actual fact they do! People are selfish, even if they are ur friends, the fact is that THEY ARE HUMANS! Most humans are selfish! (*note: i never say 'all' or 'every' people)When humans grown older, this kind of selfishness will turn to a series cunning acts. These cunning acts are what u see in the real world. Sometimes, friends can mature faster and become more cunning. Thus resulting in backstabbing, blackmailing, betrayal and many more. I have seen and experienced this kind things but it is all over. WE HAVE TO BE STRONGER!

Sometimes, friends cares about each other. ' Oh my u got hit by a car, are u hurt?' or ' oh my, why did u cut ur self?' All these things ARE JUST WORDS OF PITY! (<--- negative) I ' care ' for u. My S**t! Base on my personal experience, which i created by myself, (isn't it cool)I have managed to turn this kind of 'oh i care for' pity words, into a ' oh u manipulate my care for you'. This change just happened due to a few catalyst that i created use words, drawing skills and a pinch of smartness and within a few days, it happened! MUAHAHA... (<--- mad girl ahead). Friends cannot be there for a very long time. It is like the lilies on a down stream river, the current will bring u ( lily ) to meet other friends (other lilies) and it can also separate u and ur friends. In other words, this downstream river is call the river of time. Time will change things. That is what i believe.

But as for now, i LOVE MY FRIENDS! ALOT. I still miss talking to some of my ex friends and old friends. It has been quite a long time since the last time i see them. hehe... I am still searching for a friend, one that i can believe and trust and one that can do me A FAVOUR! Thats is all. Good Nite! My dear dairy, love u too!

PS: Dunno take it to personally especial my class mates! I love some of my classmates.

Labels: Past memories of friends

Dear Dairy,

My life is in a total mess, i think. No one can ever understand what i am thinking, and some people just either do not want to listen or just rebut me with their own way of thinking. Maybe that is what really friends are... I am not sure who is it that is true to me and who are not. Some times i seek attention, need people to notice me, need someone to go out with me. However, due to my character, i think i caused my own death. Or should i put it this way, I have dug my own GRAVE! lolx.

There are time when u want to got shopping but there is noone to go with u. U may feel bored and lonely, but for me, i have a weird character or u can say it as a weird way of thinking, i prefer going out lonely with my ' to buy ' list. Something, it may seem boring, but at least i get things done quick and go home fast. I am more of those home bounded person. I hate to go to far far places. I hate noisy places. I love places like my room, bathroom, maybe parks places that are quite and has very very little people. However, i never get to know other quite place, other than my home, as i am home bounded. I am always at home even since i had memory. I was not allow to go out, not even to my friends house, unless i am doing project. I am being watched over by my mother. It is something which most people would say 'overprotecting'. Some may say, that there is nothing wrong to it, as ur mother would never want to harm u or ur mother is the one who gave birth to u and u must listen to her. I dun like these way of thinking. Sometimes, i am given the thought that if i kill her i will gain freedom!

So, due to this over protecting thingy, i dun like to go out to walk around, have drinks with friends, play at the beach. Because of this way of thinking, 'I dun feel like going out'. It 'cost' me my friends. U may say that i am pushing the blame. I admit it 'Yes, i am pushing the blame for my character to my mother' But the roots of the problem was created by her. At this age (19) i still have to ask her if i can go out with my friends. Most of the time, I just tell my friends i cannot go, as the way of thinking that my mother would say no, will start to build up in my mind or it would be the first thing that comes to my mind --- 'NO YOU CANNOT GO!' A very good example, my sister's teacher is having a wedding and my sister is working. Put urself in my sister's shoes, and you would say 'i want to got to my teachers wedding' (note: the teacher invited the whole class) But my mother reply was like this --> 'Face the reality, it is better for u to work than attend that wedding' It is Chinese, i just translate to English. U may say wedding is once in a life time and u may quit the job and insisted that u must go. But for us sisters, we cannot. We work because of her, we study because of her and i believe i am living my life because of her. Right now, at this age (19) i still cannot make decisions on my own. How pathetic! Even my cousin rebut me, ' Go and talk to her la' and stuff... But the first thing that come to my mind was, 'IT WILL NEVER EVER WORK!'

So sometimes i think my life is miserable, but that is not totally true, at least i have a house to live in, a personal bathroom, money, studies, laptop, air con. All these could just be luxuries to someone who is poor. I am somehow smack in the middle, who always complains about how bad my life is. And i believe at every point of life, everyone would do the same thing as me, complain and complain... hehe

Good night Dear Dairy, miss you...

Labels: Complains in life

Dear Dairy,
Today is a fun day, but i won't say fun filled day... Today i went to watch a movie with my mother and sister. The movie we just watched was, Primeval. It is a movie about a DAM HUGE crocodile eating people. The movie was nice, thrilling, scary and best of all disgustingly COOL! Why do I say 'disgustingly COOL'? Erm... it is because there is so many killing, biting, shooting and BLOOD! Blood is like so cool lor! Cool and nice! Muhahahaha! If anyone who wants to watch this movie, a word of advise DUN watch it urself! Even if u are a MAN. If you are a person who love worms, blood, dead people, guns and a whole lot of horror and excitement, you should watch it. The starting of the movie already have all those things i just mentioned, waiting for u to watch. Muhahahaha! It was so NICE! The worms.... The dead bodies.... HAHA! (Note: Those i just mention are spoilers) Lolx.

Rating this movie base on my personal point of view, it would be 7/10. Why 7? Firstly i dun think this story is EVEN REAL. Secondly, it some how contains more politics than the crocodile in action. The crocodile is to big to be real... The weirdest of all things is the end part. *Note spoilers ahead --- the crocodile in to movie and actually sniff the air when the victim is right in front of it. The sniffing action was like showing that the crocodile was fake lor.... The crocodile stop in front of the main characters and then opened its jaws and somehow roared... (that is the best word i can think of) Then it shut it jaws, lifted up its head and started to sniff the air like a dog lor. I was like har.... That part is very lame la. The movie is so typical lor and base on my point of view, it is like criticizing Steve Erwin and other naturalists lor. Cos in the movie, there is a croc specialist who wants to capture that HUGE crocodile alive. Then there is a hunter who says the crocodile must be killed. Then the fight went on about catching the crocodile and killing it... And in the end, the croc specialist died, cos got hit by a car. A CAR? U maybe asking why is it a CAR? Shouldn't it be the crocodile or something. If u have remember, earlier on, i mention something about politics. That is the clue, hehe.

Why 7? Why not lower? Cos i personally love these kind of bloody, thrilling and scary type of movie but i hate the sound effect... The starting of the movie is already so NICE! Disguising with blood and worms and decomposed bodies. Haha, watching it is like so cool. I am an idiot la. The thrilling part was all the night scences and strangely it seems, africa seems to rain alot. Every night it rains, and that is when the crocodile come out. Then there is the head slicing thing, just only one part la,and the head shooting thing comes together with the head slicing thing. The moive shows poiltics is because this poilitcs cause civil war, which indirectly fed the crocodile into a monster of the movie. What is the whole purpose of the movie i dunno. It maybe censorship that Africa had, that kills people so to shut their mouth. Or the huge crocodile is real. Or it could just be telling u not to be a reporter, and if ur (crazy) boss ask u to do something like that, QUIT ur job. But come to think of it, if the main character was to quit his job there won't be this moive call Primeval. Lolx! Thats is all for today, I love myself alot!

P.S: Weak hearted should not watch!

Labels: Primeval

Dear Dairy,
For the past few days, life is fun, sad, mad and relaxing. Exams are over, stress is more or less gone. Watching anime as time passed by. Loving anime as days passed by. Getting more idea for my story as weeks passed by. Putting on weight as every meal passed by. Life is somehow nice and fun, but what if all these just 'snap' and disappear. No more thoughts, no more actions, no more emotions, no more feelings, no more food, no more manga, no more anime, no more, everything... The existence of my life is no more. Where will i go? Everything is all gone, everything ends here, the point when my body falls to work anymore. My thoughts, my action, my emotions, my feeling, my food, my anime, my manga. All this will be gone. Or is it more of I will be gone, leaving things behind for others who are born to this world. The feeling of death is scary, and i mean REALLY SCARY. I even tried to comfort myself that there is such a thing a heaven where it is a place for relaxation, freedom and do nothing. Is this so? I wonder... will we go to heaven or hell after we die? What will happen then. Is heaven and hell the creations by our thought and desire? Our thoughts of a world after dead and our desire of not wanting to die. A hope that there will be a place for our thoughts to continue living on. Our unwillingness of letting go. We are chained to the unlimited wants that exist due to our thoughts. Are you willing to let go? I am not. I have alot of things to do. I dun wish to die and i cannot die so young. I am the one who cannot let got. I hope that if you get to read this, picture urself being removed from this world. Even if ur life is good or bad, think again do u want it to end.

Labels: Life and Death

Yohoo! Exams are over! And it is holidays! I am so happy! Hehe! Ok lets start with my story of the day! Should i post a story about my accounts exams?

I will just start with today. This morning i planned to wake up at 8am to study my macroeconomics. However i was so tired i dun feel like getting up lor... At around 9am, I force myself up to get my note and then toss myself onto my bed again. I tried to read my notes, with my right eye as my left eye refuse to open... Then about 15 to 20 mins i switch eyes. lolx! About 10am+ I just pick myself up and when to change lor. For breakfast i had like bread again! but this time with luncheon meat! So nice lor. Come to think of it, i feel like eating it right now! hehe! After that, i took taxi to school cos raining and I hate to get wet. So i stood outside waiting for a taxi. The one can and has a sign AMK. So lucky right! My school is also at Ang Mio Kio <--( i think it is spell like that). The driver was a malay i think by his name is chinese leh. Dunno lor.. then when he ask me where i want to go i told him NYP in the chinese slang. Then he reply me in english. I was like oh he is malay.... I think.

At school, i sat at the stairs trying to remember my stuff lor... remember ...remember...remember... then aisyah came hehe. We talk lor. Then i ask her 'Did u study the text book' She replied 'you look at my face do u think i study' her tone was like so funny lor... Then came April, she is so nice. Followed by Stacie, Neetu and Minchoo. During the exam, someone beside the person beside me was like sneezing and sniffing, something like breathing in hard to prevent the slime from following out of his nose. So disguising. Nevermind la. When i want to pass up my paper early, my friend rise up her hand so the teacher went to her, at the same time i also finished mine. So i also wanted to pass it to him. When i pass it to him, he was like look behind me cross the exam hall so he failed to look at me lor and i was like just in front of him... Pathetic. So i just forget it and start checking if i had miss anything... In the end, I went off early with STACIE. I was SO HAPPY!

After the exams, I went to anime house at bugis near Nanyang school of fine arts, bought magazine Animage inside got Rozen Maiden BIG poster. SO! NICE! so i bought it lor. hehe Along with a pencil board, shijitaki ( something like that )Then i went to kinokuniya at orchard to take a look and i bought another magazine Newtype (japanese) SO NICE! Bought is because the cover is negima?! Asuna is SO CUTE! Today, I spend a total of S$34! So much say! Arh! Luck i still got money hehe. I wanted to buy a music box from Rozen Maiden which cos like S$60. So expensive but is it VERY BEAUTIFUL! Arh I wish someone can buy it for my as a present... Lolx. Today is very eventful. I am so happy but i just dun like my mother keep nagging at me ' GO FIND JOB, GO FIND JOB, GO FIND JOB!' I wish she could just die lor! SICK sey! Mind me ok. I just dun like her even if she is my mother. If i get the chance to kill her while she is a sleep I WILL! OR may poison her! MUHAHA! I am just mad la lolx. I think that is all lor. Life is so boring when i talk about my mother. Sad lor...

Labels: Eventful day after exams.

Name: Tania
Nick: Tatsumi
Age: 21
Zodiac: Leo
Fav Colors: Purple, Black, White
blah blah blah, talk about yourself =D

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