Dear Dairy,
My life is in a total mess, i think. No one can ever understand what i am thinking, and some people just either do not want to listen or just rebut me with their own way of thinking. Maybe that is what really friends are... I am not sure who is it that is true to me and who are not. Some times i seek attention, need people to notice me, need someone to go out with me. However, due to my character, i think i caused my own death. Or should i put it this way, I have dug my own GRAVE! lolx.
There are time when u want to got shopping but there is noone to go with u. U may feel bored and lonely, but for me, i have a weird character or u can say it as a weird way of thinking, i prefer going out lonely with my ' to buy ' list. Something, it may seem boring, but at least i get things done quick and go home fast. I am more of those home bounded person. I hate to go to far far places. I hate noisy places. I love places like my room, bathroom, maybe parks places that are quite and has very very little people. However, i never get to know other quite place, other than my home, as i am home bounded. I am always at home even since i had memory. I was not allow to go out, not even to my friends house, unless i am doing project. I am being watched over by my mother. It is something which most people would say 'overprotecting'. Some may say, that there is nothing wrong to it, as ur mother would never want to harm u or ur mother is the one who gave birth to u and u must listen to her. I dun like these way of thinking. Sometimes, i am given the thought that if i kill her i will gain freedom!
So, due to this over protecting thingy, i dun like to go out to walk around, have drinks with friends, play at the beach. Because of this way of thinking, 'I dun feel like going out'. It 'cost' me my friends. U may say that i am pushing the blame. I admit it 'Yes, i am pushing the blame for my character to my mother' But the roots of the problem was created by her. At this age (19) i still have to ask her if i can go out with my friends. Most of the time, I just tell my friends i cannot go, as the way of thinking that my mother would say no, will start to build up in my mind or it would be the first thing that comes to my mind --- 'NO YOU CANNOT GO!' A very good example, my sister's teacher is having a wedding and my sister is working. Put urself in my sister's shoes, and you would say 'i want to got to my teachers wedding' (note: the teacher invited the whole class) But my mother reply was like this --> 'Face the reality, it is better for u to work than attend that wedding' It is Chinese, i just translate to English. U may say wedding is once in a life time and u may quit the job and insisted that u must go. But for us sisters, we cannot. We work because of her, we study because of her and i believe i am living my life because of her. Right now, at this age (19) i still cannot make decisions on my own. How pathetic! Even my cousin rebut me, ' Go and talk to her la' and stuff... But the first thing that come to my mind was, 'IT WILL NEVER EVER WORK!'
So sometimes i think my life is miserable, but that is not totally true, at least i have a house to live in, a personal bathroom, money, studies, laptop, air con. All these could just be luxuries to someone who is poor. I am somehow smack in the middle, who always complains about how bad my life is. And i believe at every point of life, everyone would do the same thing as me, complain and complain... hehe
Good night Dear Dairy, miss you...
Labels: Complains in life