Friday, May 18, 2007 ()
YOUR NAME @ 10:03 PM / comment (0)
* Note, everything on this blog is all based on personal feelings and thoughts. I am just sharing it and if anyone feel or felt offended, I would like to say Sorry.
Dear Dairy,
Today is 18th May, not my birthday tho but it is somehow an eventful and a problematic day... Why eventful yet problematic. I did not have a nice night which means i did not slept well. I was stuck between wanting and unwilling. Very confuse right, how can someone be unwilling to do something yet wanting to do something? I was like telling myself should i go or not? On the other hand i was preparing for my presentation today. Going to school and stuff.
Firstly, let's talk about school (NYP) the lecture on biz finance was so dam it boring and the teacher was like rushing lor. Omg! I hate it when they rush through things lor and why can't the school give 2hrs lect instead of 1hr? I think it is killing the teacher and us lor... I rather sit in there and listen for 2 hrs getting a clearer picture instead of just sitting for 1hr and not getting anything... That lect was ok. Followed by the presentation, I was so excited! WOW! I kinda like presentation cos Stacie had taught me how to speak in a proper way and i am very grateful for what she had taught me. When i was presenting, in my mind, i picture myself speak with Stacie sitting at the back of the class looking at me, doing my best in what she had taught me. Although, i knew i spoke too fast and i held my cue cards to high but i can feel the satisfaction after everything ended. I could picture the Stacie smiling back at me, saying ' Believe that u can do it ' something like that. I will try my best! I want to be comfortable with public speaking. I BELIEVE I can if i want to change! I was so happy throughout the whole lunch break until the BORING lesson struck at 2:00 pm. It was EFMA! in another words, accounting.... the teacher is so blur and boring.... I wanted to sleep but i kept myself awake by drawing lolx! After all that, the problematic problem jolted into my mind.
You maybe wondering wat kind of problematic problems i have faced? The story started on Wednesday night, when i was using my pc, when someone PM me on MSN. I thought ' Maybe it was my NYP friends '. I clicked the 'popped' up sign and to my surprise it was Azimah / Ai hana. I was like 'huh, why did she PM me?' She asked me if i can help her on Friday. I was like har.....? She wanted me the help her to help our secondary form teacher Miss Lee. When? What time? How long? At Teck Whye Secondary, 8 am to 9 am! Teach wat? I was asked to help Azimah help Miss Lee to assist the students in learning how to 'show not tell' when writing compositions. Actually i was think i should go to save the friendship between azimah and me. Maybe it was heaven's way of saying 'ur friendship is fated and dun break it' A chance to recover this friendship. I was like i want to go but it is so early and so far. I live at sembawang leh. That was not an issue cos Miss lee was paying the taxi fee. However, i was shocked my the walking distance that i have to take from Teck Whye Sec to CCK MRT Station! It is not just far, it is way TOO far. Moreover i have lesson at 11 and i cannot miss it cos i dun understand that topic. T.T so sad lor....
On Wednesday, i was like maybe i can make it and Azimah told me that she is meeting Suh at coffee bean at around 4pm. She ask me wat time my lesson end? and hinted that i should go to coffee bean. So after lesson, i went to coffee bean and on my way there, i was daydreaming in the train... I felt uneasy, awkward and i could feel my heart hitting against my ribs. Why ? I dunno, maybe cos i fight with her over alot of stuff. At the moment of daydreaming, i did not felt like going to help her today... After alighting the train, i stroll towards coffee bean with every step i took, i could feel my heart pounding 10 times faster. Maybe i would die of heart attack before reaching coffee bean. However, i told myself, calm down and take in big breathe and face her. So i stepped into coffee bean, i looked around and found her siting by herself, I approach her 'cooly' i think.... for about 30 mins, azimah, suh and i were talking and talking, i could not make my eyes meet hers for more 10 seconds. I was just stare suh most of the time, I did not talk much and i think i barely looked at her for more then five times. Awkward? Guilty? Shy? I think it would be awkward. For all those words of anger we had exchanged for the pass few months, won't u feel awkward? I won't feel guilty cos the fight we had, we are both victims and i cannot believe she can be so happy and she was pratically smiling like nothing has happend. I had said the ' impressions will alway be there, no matter wat reason and actions given, can never cover that impression.' I believe wat said cos i feel it.
Through out the conversation, i was like 'ok, ok, anything'. Suddenly, at the corner of my eye, a picture drew my attention, a small sketch book was on top of it so i slowly reached out and lifted up the sketch book. It was a drawing drew by Azimah, it was so nice compared to mine, all i can do is shook my head. 'I thought i had improved but i did not, i tried my very best to improve and to draw better than her but i just can't, I JUST CAN'T!' I tried to comfort myself saying, 'She is in art school mah, it is normal for her to draw better than me, like duh!' Then, I took the wrong step and took out my Japanese notes for them to see, then when Azimah got hold of the notes she was like reading it like a pro lor. Then, she say 'I already know all this things'. At that time, i could feel the moment of silence and suddenly a dagger peirced through my heart!' I can never be better than her, i can NEVER be better than her. Maybe i should stop all this stuipd things. It is so childish lor. But the feeling of being unable to do something make me feel bad. And i know that guys know how i feel, especially middle- aged guys with lots of stress, and being unable to do something makes one feel so bad. I was so demoralized at the moment, i felt so tired. ' Maybe i should stop, stop drawing and learning japanese.
So in the end, I did not went to help her. The night before, i smsed azimah and hinted her. Moreover, i dun really like my secondary school form teacher Miss lee. Why? cos she only favour those student who did well in her subject. I was one of those who was bad in her subject. Moreover, she is so proud of herself. She once told my mother that if i dun improve or put up my socks, i will not make it through 'N' Levels. In the end i made it and i score well. For 'O' Levels, she was like giving tution lessons for those students who are bad in english, and i wasn't in her list even though my english was bad. Her reason, cos i had a tution teacher at home. I was like, ok fine. She loves to predict results, and i believed that she was so shocked when the 'O' level results were out. Her prediction was wrong for some parts. My humannities, was like A2 lor and compare to my class result and prelims, which is like just pass or fail. Maybe i was just lucky, but i felt happy for myself. Before the 'O' levels, I was rushing my D&T and i skipped her history make-up lesson. She was like scolding me lor, pointing her index finger right in my face and scolded me. When my 'O' levels result were out, I scored and i did not attend her history lessons, this shows wat? I am lucky? or something else? She is nice sometimes but i just dun really like her. My mother also dun like her. lolx. So in the end i decided not to go cos i dun want to see her and i felt awkward being with azimah.
I lazy to write on liao. * Note, everything on this blog is all based on personal feelings and thoughts. I am just sharing it and if anyone feel or felt offended, I would like to say Sorry.
PS! = I love my NYP friends especially Stacie cos she really helped me alot! =)
Labels: Feeling and thoughts
