Friday, March 05, 2010 ()
YOUR NAME @ 10:43 PM / comment (0)
The thought of the day:-
The word "Questioning"
Over the week, I am being questioned by someone, and my 'internal demons'. I went through interviews for an internship. Questions are fired at me like a machine gun, and I have to 'block', 'avoid' or get shot right in the forehead. I sometimes find that interview questions are difficult to answer. After interviews, I review the questions and and my answers.
'Is there a much better way to answer?'
'Why did I answer in that way?'
'I should not have answer it that way'
'Omg I will not be able to get the job'
'There will be much better people out there with education from NUS, NTU or even great interest or knowledge than me'
'Omg I am not the only one, there is another girl, she is pretty and slim and does not sweat like a pig - like me'
Seriously, this is a series of thoughts that boils and drills deep down into my brain. I sometime wonder am I really that bad? Is my self confidence and esteem really that low? I sometimes think that I need a 'shrink'. I need someone to really guide me into speaking up and sharing my thoughts with. Others will say, speak to your parent. However, in my family my family 'Chinese' culture, it is somehow impossible. My mom will just keep criticizing me about my fats, my face, my whole body. This form of criticizing and sometimes a light slap on my face seems to be her way of getting me to change my ways but I once again question myself, why, after all this negative actions and words why I don't change. My internal demon told me that 'Your mom is crazy, that is not the way to push you!' I straight away toss myself into the arms of my beloved 'internal demon'.
This led to me questioning myself again. When I look at others, staring at their clothes and mine - with the buttons almost going to pop out. I tuck my hands across it trying to hide it. 'Maybe I should got for breast reduction' - 'Maybe I should go get new clothes?' - 'Maybe I should slim down?' When I am been questioned,I don't know why I cant answer them. Could it be that 'YES' I can answer them but it is too painful or I being too lazy. Cos the outcome of my decision maybe to get on diet or to buy clothes which is either me being lazy or money-less. Sometime decision makes me question myself again, if I were to get clothes, 'How am I going to get more clothes', 'Wont it be expensive?', 'Maybe I slim down I can wear', So if I slim down, then the bigger size clothes will not be suitable', 'Or should I slim down?'
If I were to choose to slim down, I will be asking myself more questions again, 'Where do I start?', ' How should I start?', 'Will I be able to succeed in it.', 'Will it damage my knees?' Are this questions a way to help us decide or a form of excuse?
Is questioning one self or being questioned which leads to questioning oneself a good thing? Will it cos us to be spinning in circles and not do anything? Will we ever get started? Will we be able to settle on one decision? What will drive us towards a goal, criticism, encouragement, guidance or influence? There are also many sub forms of criticism, encouragement, guidance and influence, which will be more effective? How does one identify and connect themselves with?
Why question?